1. There is a name for women who don’t fart. They are called liars.
2. On those nights when we say we’re just gonna stay home, we do, but we invite our girlfriends over, put on nighties, and have tickle parties.
3. Turn-ons: mustaches.
Turnoffs: when you’re not into our mustaches.
5. Ugg boots—you know, those suede things with the fur hanging out of them— were developed as a form of birth control.
6. Speaking of birth control: The pill tastes like candy.
7. You’re right. We like it when you yell things like mamacita or baby at us on the street. It makes us feel, oh, I don’t know, more intelligent than you.
8. I’ve never met a woman who used any Massengill product.
9. Never ask a
woman if she’s pregnant unless she’s in the hospital, feet in stirrups, pushing out a baby.
10 . Beware the vagina, because it can read minds. You should also listen very closely to the vagina. It is a storyteller and a dreamer of dreams.